The 90 Wildest Florida Man Headlines of 2019 (So Far)

Every day, there is a story that involves one of us getting arrested before we addled Light Natural, screaming incomprehensibly or shooting them in a rage. We may all have a little bit of shame for our hometown stories, but we can always be assured that at least we aren’t from Florida.

To honor Man Florida, we have compiled a list of his most absurd headlines from this year. While we should treat the idea of a Florida man exposing himself in the Walmart pillow aisle with skepticism, we will not be treating it as fact if it’s between the good State of Florida and the Florida Man. We should be treating all of these allegations as they should be treated, but we will not keep ourselves from laughing as we put a Skoal lipper in the nearest papasan chair because some headlines have discussed it.

This is the top-notch example of the Florida Man, 2019.

On January 1st, a Florida local, while aiming at a target in their own yard, unintentionally strikes a neighbor who happened to be seated at the dining table.

January 2nd: A man from Florida does not receive a straw and proceeds to assault a McDonald’s employee.

A man from Florida was apprehended at Mar-a-lago on January 3rd after asserting that he had arrived to engage in a discussion with Trump concerning ‘his $6.3 trillion’.

On January 4th, an individual from Florida was apprehended following an attack on his father with a pizza due to his frustration over his father’s involvement in his existence.

Jan. 5: A man from Florida murdered his ex-girlfriend while attempting to ‘eliminate the evil presence’.

January 6th: A man from Florida deliberately drove a Ferrari 360 into the ocean at its maximum speed.

Jan. 7: Florida Man Disputes Ownership of Syringes Discovered in Rectum.

January 8th: A man from Florida was apprehended following a dispute concerning a Cheesesteak.

On January 9th, it was reported that a Florida resident supposedly used fire to educate his son by causing burns.

January 10: A Florida man is accused of deceiving his family into believing that his murdered wife was still alive.

Jan. 11: Florida Man Bites Into Police Vehicle Seat After Cocaine Arrest.

January 12: A driver in Florida discovers a boa constrictor in the engine of his car.

On January 13th, an intoxicated and shirtless man from Florida disturbs individuals at the park.

January 14th: A man from Florida threatens to murder another man with ‘gentleness,’ wielding a machete named ‘gentleness.’

On January 15th, an individual from Florida triggers a highway accident and subsequently goes on to snatch the vehicle of a compassionate individual who stopped to provide aid.

Jan. 16: Florida Man Who Drove Ferrari Into Water Claimed, ‘Jesus Instructed Him To’.

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Jan. 17: Florida Man Accused of Luring Kids Tells Cops He Can’t Recall As He ‘Drinks 18-20 Beers’ Before Talking to Children.

January 18: Captured on Camera: Horses Pursue Suspect in Florida.

January 19th: A man from Port Richey is accused of hurling a chair across Steak ‘n Shake.

January 20: A man who was on vacation in Florida discovers concealed cameras in his Airbnb.

January 21: Individuals from Florida were accidentally struck by a patrol car as they lay on the road to observe the eclipse.

Jan. 22: Florida Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure in Walmart Pillow Section.

Jan. 23: A man from North Florida assaulted and pepper sprayed his mother because ‘she exhibited narcissistic behavior’.

Jan. 24: ‘Trump will manage it.’ Florida Man Has Caution After Harassing Iraqi Neighbors.

January 25th: A Florida Man operating an unregistered ATV accidentally struck a dog.

January 26: A man from Florida discovers a World War II grenade, puts it in his truck, and drives to Taco Bell.

The Florida Spark earned this exceptional recognition. For another consecutive day, it captivated the media’s attention due to its compelling World War II narrative on January 27th.

Jan. 28: Florida Man Discovers the Difficult Way He Stole Laxatives, Not Opioids.

Jan. 29: A Florida Man is alleged to have robbed a Chinese eatery by pointing his finger as a weapon.

Jan. 30: A man from Florida spent several weeks in jail for heroin that turned out to be detergent.

Jan. 31: A man from Florida believed he would perform spins on the airport runway. Law enforcement was not entertained.

Feb. 1: A Gentleman Truly Kicked a Rabid Coyote in Kissimmee.

February 2nd: A man was stabbed in the back at a bar in Gainesville after making a comment about someone’s hat.

February 3: A wig assists in the apprehension of a Florida man involved in a robbery at a 7-Eleven, according to authorities.

On February 4th, a man from Florida assaulted his sister and bit a police officer after someone touched his cigar.

February 5th: Individuals from Florida Allegedly Involved in Spreading Excrement on Crunch Fitness Restroom and Sauna.

On February 6th, a man from Florida attempted to drive over his son as he did not wish to bathe.

Feb. 7: Florida Man Performs Dance Moves During DUI Sobriety Test.

On February 8th, a man from Florida found himself attached to the prepared drag strip surface during the GT-R World Cup.

On February 9th, a Florida woman’s maternity photo shoot featured an alligator, a shotgun, and Bud Light.

February 10: A unique day of tranquility.

Feb. 11: A man from Florida filmed himself engaging in sexual activity with a dog.

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On February 12th, authorities in law enforcement stated that a Floridian gentleman hurled a burrito towards a lady’s visage. This occurrence is not the initial occurrence of its nature.

On February 13th, a man from Florida fights to retain his remaining $809 after the IRS confiscates a fraudulent $980,000 tax refund.

February 14th: A man from Florida was captured on camera licking a doorbell.

A man from Florida, who alleged that people were “devouring his intellect,” takes the police on a chaotic chase across a golf course on February 15th.

A man on a scooter was tragically killed on February 16th after colliding with a deer on U.S. 1 in Oak Hill.

On February 17th, a man from Florida was charged for aiming a laser at a helicopter.

On February 18th, a Florida Man who was carrying a rattlesnake claims to be an ‘Agent of God’.

February 19: A man from Florida hurls a piece of pizza at his mother during an argument.

On February 20th, a man from Florida defended himself against a coyote using a coffee cup: ‘I crushed him’.

Feb. 21: Florida Man Detained with Cocaine-Filled Lunchables.

A Florida resident was taken into custody in Illinois on February 22nd after hurling a toilet through a window of the school board facility. He was caught while seated on a separate toilet.

Feb. 23: Florida Man Accused of Killing Grandmother Discovered in Bed Infested with Maggots.

February 24th: Another peaceful day.

Feb. 25: Florida Man Detained for Allegedly Hurling Biscuit at Girlfriend.

Feb. 26: Detained Florida Couple Delight Each Other In Rear Of Police Vehicle.

On February 27th, a man from Florida sprayed urine on his fellow inmates.

On the 28th of February, an individual hailing from Florida, who supposedly utilized Coldplay song lyrics to intimidate his relatives, concluded a tense situation following the assurance of pizza by the SWAT team.

On March 1st, the Speaker of the Florida House issued an apology for using the phrase ‘Host Bodies’ while discussing abortion in an interview, acknowledging the inappropriate reference to pregnant women.

Mar. 2: Florida Man Given 10-Day Sentence For Towing Shark Behind Boat.

March 3: A man from Florida saves his grandmother who was drifting away on an icy throne.

March 4: A man from Florida was apprehended following a dispute regarding Tupac Shakur.

On March 5th, a Florida man who was burning leaves asked a police officer, “Have you found all of my marijuana?”

March 6th: A man from Florida actually attempted to board a flight to Orlando with a counterfeit grenade.

On March 7th, a man from Florida gains widespread attention for his impressive dance performance to a song by Post Malone.

On the 8th of March, an individual from Central Florida unlawfully entered a residence and eventually dozed off on the sofa while under the influence of methamphetamine.

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March 9th: Individual Detained Following Altercation Regarding Beachfront Wedding Photographs.

March 10: A man from Florida who assaulted a McDonald’s employee over a straw has been sentenced to jail.

March 11: A Florida resident is accused of intentionally using a high-pressure water spray to clean his neighbor’s property.

On March 12th, a man from Florida wearing a Spider-Man mask stole bottles from a liquor store.

On March 13th, a shirtless and intoxicated man from Florida caused trouble by harassing individuals at the park.

On March 14th, a man from Milton hit his expectant partner with a packet of corn chips as a result of a disagreement regarding the fatherhood of their child.

On March 15th, a man from Florida discovered a vibrant green iguana in his toilet and immediately dialed 911 for assistance.

On March 16th, a man from Florida unlawfully enters a store and defiantly gestures at the security camera.

March 17: A Florida man who set fire to a confined cat and fed it to dogs receives no prison sentence.

On March 18th, a man from Florida was arrested after being accused of throwing pancake batter at a woman.

March 19: A man from Florida has been accused of exposing himself to an exotic dancer at Sammy’s.

March 20: Squirrel Assails Florida Man, Rodent Was Brought up by Neighbor.

On March 21st, a man from Florida pushed a woman because he desired to consume egg rolls inside her residence.

March 22nd: A man from Florida searches his own name on Google to discover which specific Florida man he is.

On March 23, Donald Trump engages in a game of golf with Kid Rock in Florida, just a day after Robert Mueller finalizes the Russia investigation [editor’s note: still relevant].

On March 24th, a man from Florida stole a hot air balloon from Indiana as part of the Florida Man Challenge.

March 25th: A man from Florida was electrocuted while attempting to remove a bird from a power line.

March 26: A man from South Florida contacts the police after being deceived in a transaction involving payment for sexual services.

Authorities stated that on March 27, a Florida man dialed 911 in an attempt to evade his responsibilities of working at a fast food establishment.

March 28: An individual from Florida’s employment request resulted in his apprehension in a 1998 unsolved crime.

On March 29th, an individual from Florida tragically kills his pet zebra, for which he lacked a license, following the animal’s successful escape.

On March 30th, a man from Florida was accused of assaulting his mother after she refused to dress his mannequin.

On March 31st, a man from Florida was apprehended for stealing sunglasses valued at close to $6,000.

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